Dec 24th

Text from my sister in law

Carissa: "Tatum, what is the thing you're most excited for this Christmas"

Tatum: "Seeing Uncle Jason"

Dec 22nd

" ..the purpose of enhancing creativity is not only for enrichment; it's a vital resource for meeting the challenges and dangers, as well as the opportunities, of the accelerated-change climate of the twenty-first century.....the most important asset you have for negotiating this rapidly changing world is your creative brain."

"Regardless of you mission for the future, it is crucial that you develop your creative capacities. By developing your creative brain, you can not only adapt to the changing world, but you can make a contribution to that change. By developing your creative brain, you will also prime your brain to discover, innovate, and produce your original contribution to the 21st century."

A creative idea or product needs to be both original and useful for it to considered creativity.

These quotes are from the book "Your Creative Brain" by Shelley Carson. One question I've had since I can remember might be answered in this book, or at least attempted. What does it scientifically mean to be creative and how does it physiologically affect our bodies and those around us? Even if I'm not able to explain it, just reading about it and knowing it will provide a large void in my understanding of what I do.

"Do not call yourself lazy if you're not being creative. You are blocked. Laziness has a negative connotation to it." - Julia Cameron

Dec 21st

Supposed to see the lunar eclipse last night. Not for a few hundreds years has the eclipse landed on the solstice. Well thank you for being overcast, snowing, and un-viewable. Guess I'll wait a couple more hundred years. Stupid snow. I had my camera, my dad, my fleece, and al the other necessities for a once in a lifetime event.

Saw Conspiracy today. Great movie about the meeting in 1944 when the Germans decided how to "evacuate" all the Jews. Very powerful. Great acting. Kenneth Brannagh and Stanley Tucci star in it and your jaw remains open when you hear how they justify what they're going to do. Unless you have hate in your heart, then you cheer along with the Germans in the movie.

My views were open slightly today about how the brain works and that we all have creativity inside of us, it's just a matter of how much is being used. It's like how we're all labelled on a scale of being gay. You're either really gay or not gay, but all of us have a bit of gay in us. We're either Mozart or a strict scientist, but we have to use creativity and originality to make it in the 21st century. I just started reading a book today on how to exercise the creative muscles in the brain and I'll keep checking in on how that's progressing.

As artists, we are no different than athletes. We must train, exercise, study, and execute so that when we perform, we are at our best. We don't have time to think while we're on stage because that leads to being in your head which takes away from connecting to honest behavior and emotions.

I've spent two days doing the stair climber and reading 100 or so pages in William Espers book about the Mesiner Technique and craft and I don't want to start writing about it until I finish it. I'm taking in a lot and don't want to make any judgements or think I know what I'm talking about until I can step back from it.

I used to be an awful therapist's patient. My job was to live my week, become aware of how I felt about things, bring those in to him, and he would do the analyzing. Well, I spent the whole week analyzing. I wanted to have the answers when I saw him each week. These are the times I think I'm the worst possible actor ever. I want to feel and portray truthfulness on stage to move people and lift a mirror to society's face. Analyzing is very important in the journey, but I need to shed that layer and reveal my open wounds to the salt of the world when called upon.

I also saw 3:10 to Yuma today. Interesting and very action packed. The one phrase popped in my head half way thru the movie and that was "Been there seen that". Not necessarily a bad thing but sometimes the passion of a project or the absence of it shows when certain acting choices are mad, certain lines are written, and certain shots are made that tells me it was the easy choice. I think most people won't notice it, but since I have made those choices before in the same frame of mind, I can spot them in a 30 million dollar film.

Christmas in 4 days! That's for you Kayla (who wrote an amazing poem today).

Dec 20th

Since I'm on break from school, I'm able to catch up on a lot that I wasn't able to during classes. Here's what I've done since the conception of this website.

The Messiah- Even though I was sick, I went to hear the Hilliard Community Singers do Handel's Messiah. This is a great place to start because my confusion is defined in this situation. Why do we need art? Why do we need music? Why do we need a performance of The Messiah during every Christmas season? What do Handel's long runs do to embellish our experience of the music? What specifically have the 100 people who saw the performance take away from it and how does that differ from the 40 people who rehearsed and sang it? Was it true art? What should have happened in me that would have accomplished what Handel intended? That's the brain side of me. The artist in me heard amazing chords within the strings and in the choral arrangements. At one point, my mind totally wandered to singing with my friends in high school and all the good times that we had. Was that an experience that stemmed directly from the music? From where I was sitting on the side, the light was coming in from the stained glass window and surrounded the director in such a beautiful glow. That was artistic and beautiful to me. Did anyone else notice that. Here's another difference. The musician in me heard the wrong notes, out of tune chords, and misplaced vowels. On the way out, I heard an elder lady say "Wasn't that just gorgeous?" I realized I'm on a very long and interesting journey with this blog.

Social Network- God I love Aaron Sorkin. His dialogue keeps you on your toes and even though the dialogue has a sense of absurdity, it is so pleasant to the ear. I thought Jesse was very convincing as Zuckerberg and what great acting choices to make a closed off character seem interesting for 2 hours. He constantly seemed to be not listening, but taking everything in at the same time. What was he doing? My favorite line was when he's on the phone near the end and they just got the half million investment and he tells his friend "We did it." Those three words have so much weight to me. To make something out of nothing, people love it, and make billions off of it. It seemed it was an acceptance of what I strive for: a venture that became successful after all the bullshit. I get chills just thinking about it.

Inglorious Basterds- Watch the first 20 minutes of that film and you automatically graduate acting, directing, writing, and film school.

Sin City- (My dad and I are watching all of our favorite Christmas movies). Artistically and cinematography, it's absolutely brilliant. It's almost how I envision the other comic book movies being made, but it works better with this one. It makes me want to challenge film directors to push the envelope. We've seen the norm with no stakes film making. Dig deep people.

Christmas Carol- The Hilliard Arts Council did a 35 minute production of this holiday classic and it was exactly that. You cant mess it up. We all know the story. We know how it's going to end. I fall back to- Why? I know part of my journey is to see the effects of art on society, no matter what level it is. There were parents out there, taking pictures of their kids. What did they take from the production? People who came and saw the show for the sole purpose of seeing the show? What about the kids who were in it? How does someone who gets on stage for the first time benefit and how does that compare to someone who's going into a Broadway show for the 10th time? They did 4 shows. As I sit here, the set has been torn down, the costumes returned, and the actors have gone back to Christmas shopping. It's different for everybody, but what was the purpose of putting it up? Is 'fun' enough? Is 'changing lives' enough? Is 'getting the message out' enough? How was my response different than the farm owners sitting next to me? The fact that seeing that show spurred these questions in me, maybe was enough. It might make me create something in response which would get a response from someone else. Who knows. That's why the world of theater is fascinating!

2012- Movie which was 98% visual effects and 2% message that says "we are human beings, treat each other with respect, love one another, and let's survive together!"

Four Christmases- Not as bloody or action packed as the other 3 movies, but surprisingly good. I will marry Reese Witherspoon. Done, said it. You want honesty? ok. There. I feel sensations when I see her and it's not my mind getting in the way. Vince does a good job at being himself and always looking like he's having fun on screen. More importantly, he never looks like he's trying to do it correctly.

Rules of Engagement- Patrick Warburton. Again, being himself, trusting himself, and having fun. It works. Learn something from that Jason. That's right. 3rd person bitch!

I need to start acting before I think. My impulses should be my everything. My brain needs to take a break and let my emotions and subconscious take over. I trust myself. I know I can do it.

Why?

My question for everything. Why? I'm like a 4 year old boy every single day. Why? They made this movie. Why? Mozart wrote this section this way. Why? People hate each other. Why? People mature at different rates. Why? I'm 34, single, confused about the world, passionate about the unknown, want to change the world, want to change the state of theatre and art, want to make something of myself before I die, want to help people, want to experience everything, want to see everything, want to live everything..........Why?

The reason I started this blog stemmed from a few different reasons. I observe, process, and analyze all day long. On 34yroldgrad.com I try to keep a record of my experiences at school and observations about the world around me. I have a lot of thoughts through the day that don't fit the criteria of that blog. The majority of them is how I view the world and its view towards art and humanity.

Second, I was the assistant teacher for David Lee's directing class at UCF. Even as an assistant, he always had my creative juices flowing and making me want to create, and not just quantity, but quality. Following the lead of August Wilson and other authors, I wanted to take on a different kind of project that challenged me, help me grow, and maybe touched the world a bit.

Third. What the hell am I doing here? For some reason, I have the unbelievable talent of making girls totally unhappy in our relationships, and after having a long conversation with a friend the other night, I want to start visualizing my relationship with my art, acting, and craft as being stronger. Relationships are a distant vision for me right now so it would only make sense to dive head first into my work and process of being in grad school. Girls won't be a distraction for me for awhile because when I love, I love 100%. This is my time to figure out the real reason I was put on this earth and to reach my potential. Because deep down, I think my potential is more powerful than anything I've ever imagined.

I've been scared. I shy away from challenges and my vision for myself has always had a roadblock put up because I don't feel I deserve the praise or fame. I've felt I don't possess the talents or looks to be as famous as my peers. I always feel I could be funnier, more dramatic, better looking, more truthful, a better singer, and more knowledgeable about the world of theater and when those elements were polished, I could reach the next level. Although........ there is that small part of me that bubbles on the inside and honestly feels I possess genius that world could benefit from. But how egotistical is that? How many eye rolls would I get from people who have more degrees, have been in more Broadway shows, more experience, and more training than me? Who am I to think that a short, average looking, medium sized boy from Columbus, Ohio could give something to millions of people that could help them out and make life clearer to them? I'm nobody. Maybe, until now.

Fourth, I need to start feeling. My brain works fine. Except I have almost absolutely no short term memory on plots of books, movies, or plays. I don't cry. I find the good in everybody. I find the good in every situation. I let people walk all over me. I protect myself. I put everything in perspective. I want to feel, I just don't allow myself to feel. Am I scared of what I might find? Maybe. Do I need to keep a masculine front? The fraternity, bartender, and NYer in me says "Yes". Then I go back to, "Once I learn how to truly feel, then I can make something of myself." Well, my life starts now.

It's going to be fucking scary. I'm petrified. I'm going to hurt. I'm going to hurt people. I'm going to destroy more than I've already destroyed. Well, maybe. Maybe not. It's the not knowing that gets me erect. Maybe everything that I believed in up till now is shallow compared to what I'm capable of believing.

That's what this blog will do. Every day (hopefully right before I go to bed) I want to reflect on my day and try to answer the question of 'Why' in the worldly things I saw that day and the art I experienced. How do these episodes relate to each other, to me, and to the world I live in? I want to learn, experience, and feel all at the same time, but I know that's not possible. This blog will touch on each of those aspects and hopefully by this time next year, or the year after, I'm going to write.

I'm going to publish a book. I'm going to be a known author. My book is going to be on bookshelves in theaters and classrooms which will change just one life. I'm about to take this journey and I don't know where it will lead. Christ, I don't even know what the book will be about yet. Art, the actor, the theater, the world, the mindset, the technology, and what we are trying to succeed in depending on what we define as success. That's a small idea. Let's see where that goes.

What if I'm enough just the way I am? I've never been comfortable with that phrase. Why?