The reason I started this blog stemmed from a few different reasons. I observe, process, and analyze all day long. On 34yroldgrad.com I try to keep a record of my experiences at school and observations about the world around me. I have a lot of thoughts through the day that don't fit the criteria of that blog. The majority of them is how I view the world and its view towards art and humanity.
Second, I was the assistant teacher for David Lee's directing class at UCF. Even as an assistant, he always had my creative juices flowing and making me want to create, and not just quantity, but quality. Following the lead of August Wilson and other authors, I wanted to take on a different kind of project that challenged me, help me grow, and maybe touched the world a bit.
Third. What the hell am I doing here? For some reason, I have the unbelievable talent of making girls totally unhappy in our relationships, and after having a long conversation with a friend the other night, I want to start visualizing my relationship with my art, acting, and craft as being stronger. Relationships are a distant vision for me right now so it would only make sense to dive head first into my work and process of being in grad school. Girls won't be a distraction for me for awhile because when I love, I love 100%. This is my time to figure out the real reason I was put on this earth and to reach my potential. Because deep down, I think my potential is more powerful than anything I've ever imagined.
I've been scared. I shy away from challenges and my vision for myself has always had a roadblock put up because I don't feel I deserve the praise or fame. I've felt I don't possess the talents or looks to be as famous as my peers. I always feel I could be funnier, more dramatic, better looking, more truthful, a better singer, and more knowledgeable about the world of theater and when those elements were polished, I could reach the next level. Although........ there is that small part of me that bubbles on the inside and honestly feels I possess genius that world could benefit from. But how egotistical is that? How many eye rolls would I get from people who have more degrees, have been in more Broadway shows, more experience, and more training than me? Who am I to think that a short, average looking, medium sized boy from Columbus, Ohio could give something to millions of people that could help them out and make life clearer to them? I'm nobody. Maybe, until now.
Fourth, I need to start feeling. My brain works fine. Except I have almost absolutely no short term memory on plots of books, movies, or plays. I don't cry. I find the good in everybody. I find the good in every situation. I let people walk all over me. I protect myself. I put everything in perspective. I want to feel, I just don't allow myself to feel. Am I scared of what I might find? Maybe. Do I need to keep a masculine front? The fraternity, bartender, and NYer in me says "Yes". Then I go back to, "Once I learn how to truly feel, then I can make something of myself." Well, my life starts now.
It's going to be fucking scary. I'm petrified. I'm going to hurt. I'm going to hurt people. I'm going to destroy more than I've already destroyed. Well, maybe. Maybe not. It's the not knowing that gets me erect. Maybe everything that I believed in up till now is shallow compared to what I'm capable of believing.
That's what this blog will do. Every day (hopefully right before I go to bed) I want to reflect on my day and try to answer the question of 'Why' in the worldly things I saw that day and the art I experienced. How do these episodes relate to each other, to me, and to the world I live in? I want to learn, experience, and feel all at the same time, but I know that's not possible. This blog will touch on each of those aspects and hopefully by this time next year, or the year after, I'm going to write.
I'm going to publish a book. I'm going to be a known author. My book is going to be on bookshelves in theaters and classrooms which will change just one life. I'm about to take this journey and I don't know where it will lead. Christ, I don't even know what the book will be about yet. Art, the actor, the theater, the world, the mindset, the technology, and what we are trying to succeed in depending on what we define as success. That's a small idea. Let's see where that goes.
What if I'm enough just the way I am? I've never been comfortable with that phrase. Why?
No comments:
Post a Comment